Meat

"I don't get you vegetarians," my friend teased, "if we weren't supposed to eat animals why are they made out of meat?"

"Good point!" I laughed, boiling and eating him.

Science

What would happen if you took a baby monkey away from its mother and put it in a dark bag, isolating it for a year? The results may not be what you expect. Thanks to science we discovered that monkeys kept alone in dark bags actually end up more depressed than other monkeys.

It may sound cruel to Jane or Joe Average but this experiment led to many major breakthroughs in the field of scientists are assholes.

The Three Little Pigs

I'm confused about the lesson of the story.

After the three little pigs defeated the wolf was I supposed to learn from the 'responsible' brick house pig not to cut corners with my straw or stick hut?

How was I supposed to account for a new breed of wolf that  causes structural damage by exhaling? What if it ate mortar, wouldn't be so smugly lecturing now would you brick-pig?

For me the lesson is: 

the world is a crazy, scary place where you could easily be killed by something the first time you see it. Force your enemies into a narrow path to destroy them.

Evidence

Get this, the other day I was planting evidence on a suspect but then I found actual evidence. Life has a funny way of telling you 'keep up the good work'. 

Later, as I beat a confession out of the suspect I thought to myself 'I am the law'.

Newspaper

My newspaper was crying this morning. 

I think it was because all of the hurt in the world.

Then I realized it was a baby that someone had placed on my doorstep.

Cool metaphor baby, you really made me think. 

Then I set the baby back in its basket and sent it down the river for the next person to have an adventure.

Computers

Before computers it used to take people a long time to do a simple task.

After computers everyone had a computer.

Kissing

You know when the action starts to get hot and heavy? You're really into kissing someone and your mind can't help but think of your tongues as two worms crashing into each other, doing battle because the worm queen is dead, poisoned by a traitor and you're fighting to avenge her?

Then your partner retreats and says, "too much tongue." and you agree that you got carried away but really you're thinking "the worm throne is mine!"

We Relate

Are you like me? Do you have trouble getting to sleep? And you wake up and find that your bed is floating two feet off the ground. Then you think, "Oh no... I told that ghost I would solve it's murder..."

You can relate, ja?

Don't you hate it when a friend asks you to do an unreasonable favour? Like when a ghost asks you to solve its murder and you find out is was a Jesuit priest from the 1500s and all of the clues are in these archaic religious texts? Then you have it out with the ghost because, well, you're not going to learn Latin. And the ghost threatens to haunt your fridge and make baby faces appear on your produce when you go to eat so that you lose your appetite. Then you cry. Then the ghost cries. And that's the worse because you have to clean up ghost tears, that cold powder that gets everywhere. You know?

Fundamentals

Don't you hate seeing parents yell at their children during a baseball game? A child drops a fly ball and the shouting begins. For once I'd like to see the parents run onto the field, take the bats, take the gloves and play the game the way it's supposed to be played. Textbook fielding, good batting fundamentals, alert base running. The children watching in silent fun, realizing what it's all about. Baseball with no human errors.

I had the same idea

I had the same idea. You could post photos and video and write on people's walls. The same idea. Then Facebook came out and spoiled everything. Mine was the same! It was even blue! You could record your day, write inner thoughts and track your friends... The only difference was mine was called SurveillanceBook.

Oh, and instead of being able to "poke" people you could report them to the government.